There is a lot of snow outside my door, and I miss sidewalks.
As many of you are aware, Friends is finally on Netflix. Haley and I have been watching it from the beginning because she missed out on it when it was on. It's interesting what has changed since 10 years ago, and how many classic sitcom plots could have been solved by the existence of smartphones - It sort of makes me pity television writers today. So much of our lives are online, or exist through technology and social networking, and none of that stuff is particularly visually interesting.
One concept that has remained however is the concept of using "humor as a defense mechanism", a personality "flaw" in Chandler that nevertheless seems to have made him every one's favorite character. I get that the writers of the show can get tired of his need to make a joke for every inane question another character poses, but the fact is that makes him the primary source of the shows verbal humor (as opposed to Ross's physical goofiness, Joey's charm, Monica's neuroticism, Pheobe's alternate reality, or Rachel's it-girl attractiveness.)
The show's need to point this out as a character flaw in Chandler has had me thinking lately, because Chandler doesn't rebuff the social advances of people around him, and he usually isn't cruel with his humor. In fact, his humor feels unforced, natural; it's something he struggles to not use when it isn't appropriate.
I relate to him. It isn't because I try to deflect emotions using a joke, or that I need to defuse the tension of a certain situation. Just like Women, Men grow up with a lot of emotion. Where the distinction lies is in the socially acceptable ways of venting those emotions. I think most of us truly hope that we are becoming a society where men are allowed to share their feelings publicly, but the experience of strong emotion is something that Men, particularly young men still feel compelled to keep hidden. Worse, I would argue that it is still more socially acceptable for men to pursue self-destructive behaviors to deal with their problems (i.e. drinking, drugs, fighting) than it is for them to simply emote without performing one of those self-destructive behaviors first (express feelings of love, jealousy, sadness, happiness).
Now, what I like about humor is that can often be a way of deflating strong emotions by detaching yourself from them. Sure, that is the nature of defense, but it's also pretty much the goal of meditation, which is considered a healthy way of dealing with internal problems. There are bonus points too: Not only does humor make you feel better inside, if you get good at it, it also makes people like you.
The major drawback of this approach to dealing with strong emotions is that it is difficult to get people to take what you are feeling seriously, especially if you don't use humor in a humanizing way. Cracking one two many jokes about suffering makes people believe that you don't really understand it, and the brother to that thought is that you must not feel it the same way they do. This can make you feel secluded, and unable to connect with the people around you. So there is a limit to how far a joke can take you before you have to show people that you have emotion. But, as I said, emotion is not something it is always socially appropriate for men to admit too. It's therefore pretty easy to get stuck in a loop.
The lesson in this is the recognition that emotions exist, and that humor is a very human way of dealing with that thorny animal problem. I don't really think people use humor as a defense mechanism, it's just that humor IS a defense mechanism. And, f it is a defense mechanism, I think it's one everybody uses all the time.
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